Little Chester's Heavenly Bark
When the lodge meeting broke up, James confided to a friend. “Mike, I’m in a terrible pickle! I’m strapped for cash and I haven’t the slightest idea where I’m going to get it from!” “I’m glad to hear that” answered Mike, “I was afraid you might have an idea you could borrow it from me!”
Alfie had been listening to his sister practicing her singing, “Sis,” he said, “I wish you’d sing Christmas carols.”
“That’s nice of you, Alfie, she said. “Why?”
“Then I’d only have to hear you once a year!”
A monastery decided to start a fish and chips store.
When the store opened, a client comes in, and asks one of the clerics: are you the fish fryer? Oh, no, the cleric answers, I’m the chip monk!
A brilliant young boy was applying for a job with the railways. The interviewer asked him: “Do you know how to use the equipment?” Yes, the boy replied. “Then what would you do if you realized that 2 trains, one from this station and one from the next were going to crash because they were on the same track?” The young applicant thought and replied “I’d press the button to change the points without hesitation.” What if the button was frozen and wouldn't work?” “I’d run outside and pull the lever to change the points manually” And if the lever was broken” “I’d get on the phone to the next station and tell them to change the points,” he replied. “And if the phone was broken and needed an electrician to fix it?” The boy thought about that one. “I’d run into town and get my uncle” “Is your uncle an electrician?” “No, but he’s never seen a train crash before!”
A priest was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners who he knew being an unkempt housekeeper. When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life.
"Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.
She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them".
He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes.
When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and called, "Here Soap! Here Water!"
A frustrated father told a work colleague: “When I was a youngster, I was disciplined by being sent to my room without supper. But in my son’s room, he has his own color TV, computer, games console, cell phone and CD player.” “So what do you do?” The father replied: “I send him to my room!”
A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.
"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried. The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger."